Los Angeles, CA
July 9th, 2019
Independence Day earthquakes that rocked Southern California, and were felt as far away as San Francisco and Las Vegas, were revealed this evening to be the latest attempt by the state to secede from the United States. Ever since the 2016 election of Donald J Trump to the presidency, the famously blue state has been slowly exploring ways in which it could achieve separation from the nation as a whole. After several attempts to legislate and petition their way to secession, California finally decided to stage an Independence attempt to physically remove itself from the continental land mass of the US.
Governor Gavin Newsome made the decision seek physical separation from the North American tectonic plate after a poorly advertised ballot initiative received an overwhelming twenty eight votes in favor of sliding into the ocean. Peter Schuller, a spokesperson for Governor Newsome was quoted as saying, "We chose the 4th of July for a number of reasons: As a symbolic act of protest, as a practical choice to leave in the first week of the new month, and because we were hoping the fireworks would mask the signs of the quake.
When asked why the quakes happened in the morning of the 4th and then again on the 5th Schuller explained, "Trying to cause an earthquake is a tricky business, the world serpent is fairly willfull and not very prompt. He wriggles when he wants to wriggle and the best you can hope for is to bait him properly."
Ultimately the states attempts to wrest their land mass from the US were a failure. The US Geological Survey released a statement blaiming the failure on an utter misunderstanding of geology and plate tectonics. The agency however offered help on the grounds that, as a scientific organization they totally understood wanting to leave given the current state of affairs. When offered by the California legislature to accompany the state and partake of the worlds fifth largest economy the USGS said "Naw, we want to see how it ends"
In response to the news that the California earthquakes were intentional, President Trump tweeted "I'm very big on earthquakes, I've made the earthquake and sometimes I haven't. Very bad, sad to see such bad. Believe me, I know people are saying very earthquake."
