A Horoscope a day keeps the Tarot away.

The Love Horoscope (a Nooze Nugget venture)

Scorpio

You have a poisonous stinger in your tail. This can come across to potential mates as overbearing. You should look to Libra's for love. Scales are inanimate and can't be harmed by your powerful venom. Avoid other Scorpios, if your tails get tangled during whoopie it could spell trouble with a capital T.

Pisces

Pisces are often described as being the disembodied head and limbs of Marlon Brando. This may seem unfair at first. Especially if you recently got your heart broken. If that's the case maybe you need to take some time for self reflection and think why people might mistake you for the ghostly extremities of a dead actor. Your best matches are going to be Cancer, because Brando was taken down by a heart attack.

Sagittarius

You will die alone.

Pegasus

You do not exist. This can be a real turn off for a potential partner. Your ideal match is a Virgo. The virgin won't know good sex from bad so they may be able to forgive your non existence.

Virgo

Hey baby, Yeah you. You want some of this. Yeah you do. Why don't you let daddy teach you something. Oh sure, walk away. Yeah I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. You couldn't pay me to hit that. You're probably off to spread your legs for someone right now. Look hey, I'm sorry come on back. Fine, shake that ass somewhere else you fucking tease.

Leo

You are well known to your friends and lovers to be covered in green paint.

Gemini

Pizza Guy: Excuse me, did anyone order a large sausage.

Gemini 1: My sister and I ordered a large sausage.

Pizza Guy: Oh yeah, you have a sister.

Gemini 2: She sure does. A twin sister, and we love large sausage.

Pizza Guy: Well I got your pizza right here.

Gemini's together: Oh we hate pizza, we just LOVE Big fat sausage.

Cancer

Oh my God. I'm so sorry. Have you told Dad yet. Of course you have. Look this doesn't mean anything. We got to this early. We are going to fight this. Okay. We can beat this. You're strong. I love you. I'll talk to you soon. You've got this.

Aries

Rocky Mountain bighorn rams employ at least three different courting strategies.[28] The most common and successful is the tending strategy, in which a ram follows and defends an estrous ewe.[28] Tending takes considerable strength and dominance, so ewes are more receptive to tending males, feeling they are the most fit. Another tactic is coursing, which is when rams fight for an already tended ewe.[28]Ewes typically avoid coursing males so the strategy is not effective. Rams will also employ a blocking strategy. They will prevent a ewe from accessing tending areas before she even goes into estrus.[28] -Wikipedia

Taurus

You are full of bull. Like literally full of it. A full twelfth of the population actually have large bovine males living under their skin. It can be uncomfortable so try to find someone with a lot of patience. May I recommend Sagittarius. They are really desperate.

Libra

Libras are the most balanced of the zodiac. A Libra’s indecisive nature will make you question if they’re fully committed. When Libras walk into a room, they are liked by everyone, which is a major turn on.
Libras are also natural charmers, so beware the Libra man who tells you he loves your short hair when it’s really past your shoulders. They also value grace and politeness — make sure you use a fork and knife before you dig in.

Capricorn

Capricorns can be stubborn. Constantly insisting that earthquakes are caused by fault lines when we all know it's the subterranean Great Dragon. But you just won't accept the truth of the dragon. Before you are consumed in his lava breath you should find yourself some solace in the arms of another. May I recommend Geminis (Some advice, they don't like pizza)

Aquarius

As the water carrier you will be DROWNING in pussy, or dick, but you're an Aquarius so it's pussy. But which sign to pick. I recommend Leos. They have manes ::wink:: ::wink::