The Love Horoscope (a Nooze Nugget
venture)
Scorpio
You have a poisonous stinger in your
tail. This can come across to potential mates as overbearing. You
should look to Libra's for love. Scales are inanimate and can't be
harmed by your powerful venom. Avoid other Scorpios, if your tails
get tangled during whoopie it could spell trouble with a capital T.
Pisces
Pisces are often described as being the
disembodied head and limbs of Marlon Brando. This may seem unfair at
first. Especially if you recently got your heart broken. If that's
the case maybe you need to take some time for self reflection and
think why people might mistake you for the ghostly extremities of a
dead actor. Your best matches are going to be Cancer, because Brando
was taken down by a heart attack.
Sagittarius
You will die alone.
Pegasus
You do not exist. This can be a real
turn off for a potential partner. Your ideal match is a Virgo. The
virgin won't know good sex from bad so they may be able to forgive
your non existence.
Virgo
Hey baby, Yeah you. You want some of
this. Yeah you do. Why don't you let daddy teach you something. Oh
sure, walk away. Yeah I wouldn't touch it with a ten foot pole. You
couldn't pay me to hit that. You're probably off to spread your legs
for someone right now. Look hey, I'm sorry come on back. Fine,
shake that ass somewhere else you fucking tease.
Leo
You are well known to your friends and
lovers to be covered in green paint.
Gemini
Pizza Guy: Excuse me, did anyone order
a large sausage.
Gemini 1: My sister and I ordered a
large sausage.
Pizza Guy: Oh yeah, you have a sister.
Gemini 2: She sure does. A twin sister,
and we love large sausage.
Pizza Guy: Well I got your pizza right
here.
Gemini's together: Oh we hate pizza,
we just LOVE Big fat sausage.
Cancer
Oh my God. I'm so sorry. Have you
told Dad yet. Of course you have. Look this doesn't mean anything.
We got to this early. We are going to fight this. Okay. We can
beat this. You're strong. I love you. I'll talk to you soon.
You've got this.
Aries
Rocky
Mountain bighorn rams employ at least three different courting
strategies.[28] The
most common and successful is the tending strategy, in which a ram
follows and defends an estrous ewe.[28] Tending
takes considerable strength and dominance, so ewes are more receptive
to tending males, feeling they are the most fit. Another tactic is
coursing, which is when rams fight for an already tended ewe.[28]Ewes
typically avoid coursing males so the strategy is not effective. Rams
will also employ a blocking strategy. They will prevent a ewe from
accessing tending areas before she even goes into estrus.[28]
-Wikipedia
Taurus
You are full of bull. Like literally
full of it. A full twelfth of the population actually have large
bovine males living under their skin. It can be uncomfortable so try
to find someone with a lot of patience. May I recommend Sagittarius.
They are really desperate.
Libra
Libras are the most balanced of the zodiac. A Libra’s indecisive
nature will make you question if they’re fully committed. When
Libras walk into a room, they are liked by everyone, which is a major
turn on.Libras are also natural charmers, so beware the Libra man who tells you he loves your short hair when it’s really past your shoulders. They also value grace and politeness — make sure you use a fork and knife before you dig in.
Capricorn
Capricorns can be stubborn. Constantly
insisting that earthquakes are caused by fault lines when we all know
it's the subterranean Great Dragon. But you just won't accept the
truth of the dragon. Before you are consumed in his lava breath you
should find yourself some solace in the arms of another. May I
recommend Geminis (Some advice, they don't like pizza)
Aquarius
As the water carrier you will be
DROWNING in pussy, or dick, but you're an Aquarius so it's pussy.
But which sign to pick. I recommend Leos. They have manes ::wink::
::wink::
