-Washington DC
After weeks of virtual silence on the
matter of the spying scandal leaked by former NSA contractor Edward
Snowden the National Security Agency has finally spoken out publicly
about the scandal that has rocked faith in the US intelligence
infrastructure.
In a press conference last Saturday
the organization revealed that it was only spying on the American
public because it was trying to find out information about the
agencies ex girlfriend Melissa Hapsford. Hapsford and the NSA had a
relationship that began in early 2004 and ended abruptly in 2008 when
Hapsford accused the agency of “having changed”. Hapsford
quickly cut all ties from the agency moving out of their shared
apartment in Washington DC and in with a couple of girlfriends from
college in near by Arlington, VA.
The Security agency went on to say
that it had believed everything was cool between itself and Hapsford
and maybe she was the one that changed when she started talking about
things like marriage and kids when they had only recently decided
that they were in fact in an exclusive relationship.
When asked for comment Hapsford seemed
indignant by what she called a smear campaign being run by the NSA.
“Seriously? He acts like we had just met. We had been living
together for a year and half when he up and asked me if I thought we
should be exclusive. I'm like, do I want to be exclusive...What the
hell has this been the past year and a half. And suddenly because we
never made it “official” we haven't really been a couple this
whole time, that's some bullshit”
The NSA, which has asked that this
publication not ask too many questions if we know what is good for
us, further commented that they acknowledge that their relationship
with Hapsford was exclusive because if it wasn't would they have
wasted billions of dollars earmarked for national security and
trampled on the fourth amendment rights of the entirety of the
civilian population to get her back. They also commented that the
guy she seems to be seeing a lot of now is probably not right for her
and if he's not careful who he spends his time with he might end up
driving his car into a river while drunk at four in the afternoon.
After the NSA press conference
confirmed traitor, the Guardian newspaper, released several more
leaked documents. These documents muddy the waters around the NSA
case by suggesting that the main purpose of the monitoring of cell
phones was to intercept pictures sent by girls attempting to sext
their boyfriends. This seemed to be the main thrust of the
organizations national security work until just last month when a
section chief discovered pictures of his own 21 year old daughter on
spring break in Cabo when she said she was going on a float trip in
downstate Illinois.
These recent revelations could clear
Melissa Hapsford of any wrong doing in the break up with the NSA.
Sadly, Hapsford could not be reached for comment, has not been to
work in several days and has not contacted any friends or family.
She was last seen with a black hood on being presented with flowers.
