Shark Defends Himself From Intruder

Hilton Head, South Carolina

A Shark off the coast of South Carolina, bit and disarmed an intruder yesterday in his hunting grounds just east of the Hilton Head public beach.

The shark who was relaxing in the shallows shortly before lunch time yesterday morning, was disturbed when he heard a splashing sound from his hunting ground. He investigated only to find the intruder, 12 year old Randall Neibaum, had broken into his territory. Thinking quickly the shark, who for privacy reasons shall remain anonymous, attacked the criminal by grabbing his arm and removing it from his body. The perpetrator escaped only to be discovered later on the shore, having fled the scene.

The case has ignited a firestorm of controversy, with bite rights advocates claiming this as a victory for the rights of a shark to defend himself on his own surf. And bite control advocates arguing that while this case may be an example of a positive use of shark violence, the vast majority of shark bite violence is perpetrated against other fish and having sharks at home or in schools will only lead to great collateral damage amongst all sea life involved.

Wayne LaPier of the pro shark bite, National Retaliation Association (NRA) said the following in a press conference following the incident. 

Attacks like this one in the 70s have been cited by pro bite advocates as a means to defend against criminals

“This is yet another example of a shark being able to defend himself against a land dweller with no respect for the law. Had this shark not been able to bite and maim this criminal then imagine what could have happened. This Shark is a hero and a patriot”

Shark Control representatives have been far from silent on the matter stating that they want to limit the use of shark attacks to those who have proven themselves responsible. Stringently saying that they are not looking to take away the right to bite people from this shark or any other shark who wants to attack people in their own ocean.

The Shark himself has chosen not to openly discuss the matter, speaking only through intermediaries.

A spokesperson from Occupy the Ocean, a loose collective of liberal activists, spoke to Nooze nuggets this morning “Look I agree that this shark had every right to defend himself in his own home. But this type of hysteria that someone wants to take away their teeth is ridiculous. We want to regulate the use of teeth so that those who are not responsible cannot use them.”