Washington D.C
Wayne LaPierre, the chief spokes person
for the gun industry lobbying group the Nation Rifle Association
shocked the press and anyone following the gun debate thursday when
over the course of a press conference he revealed that his obsession
with guns stems from his heroically small penis.
La Pierre who has been in the public
virtually non stop since the current upswell in demand for sensible
gun regulation was asked a rather blunt question by a reporter for
the daily beast at a press conference yesterday morning about the
NRA's new push to include tactical arms training as a part of
elementary school gym classes.
The reporter Marta Sester pointedly
asked the NRA spokesperson why he was so obsessed with guns as a
follow up question to which La Pierre replied
“It's about my small dick.
Seriously, it's petite. I'm amazed I was ever able to father
children. If you looked quick you might mistake it for a clit.”
After several seconds of uncomfortable
silence LaPierre continued. “I don't know about anyone else, but
if you look around the locker room at my gun club you are going to
find an average of under two inches. Gun enthusiasts really have
small penises in my experience. But if you say anything to anyone I'll
introduce you to Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson. They have huge cocks.”
The statement immediately opened the
National Rifle Association to widespread mockery across the
blogosphere. The Daily Koz pilloried the Gun rights lobby, calling
them the Short Schlong Shooters, while Buzzfeed offered up an article
with an array of things longer than an NRA members penis. Perhaps
the only left wing site to avoid the obvious was Jezebel who wrote a
series of scathing commentaries on the sexism of tying gun advocacy
to small penises when many women who are gun advocates are in fact
making up for having small breasts.
Perhaps the only thing more explosive
than the response from the left was the response from the right.
Several conservative pundits vociferously proclaimed that they had no
idea what LaPierre was talking about. Fox's Sean Hannity went on a
rant on his show Thursday night about the massive size of his
masculinity, explaining that if he chose to he could in fact be
having sex with the woman operating camera two while sitting behind
his desk.
On his Blaze network Glenn Beck
reported that he was worried about the state of the penises in
America, and advised everyone listening who was able to buy farmland
to house their gigantic male members. He further advised that
barring that they should buy their penises weight in gold which could
then be used to back the dollar in time of need.
Alex Jones of InfoWars proclaimed that
the revelation by LaPierre was a false flag operation by the liberal
media. Jones claimed he had exclusive evidence from a source that we
was not allowed to name that LaPierre was in fact a closet democrat
and perhaps “in a different type of closet, if you know what I
mean”.
Even conservative host of the MSNBC
show, the ring S.E. Cupp, proclaimed that she was a proud gun owner
and on top of fabulous legs (which she then put up on her desk) and
large breasts she too had a very large phallus.
When asked to comment on the reaction
to his sudden outburst LaPierre said the following:
“I 'm sorry what? I don't know what
you're talking about. I am usually far to drunk at those press
briefings to remember what the hell I said.”
