NSA just trying to get girlfriend back

-Washington DC

After weeks of virtual silence on the matter of the spying scandal leaked by former NSA contractor Edward Snowden the National Security Agency has finally spoken out publicly about the scandal that has rocked faith in the US intelligence infrastructure.

In a press conference last Saturday the organization revealed that it was only spying on the American public because it was trying to find out information about the agencies ex girlfriend Melissa Hapsford. Hapsford and the NSA had a relationship that began in early 2004 and ended abruptly in 2008 when Hapsford accused the agency of “having changed”. Hapsford quickly cut all ties from the agency moving out of their shared apartment in Washington DC and in with a couple of girlfriends from college in near by Arlington, VA.

The Security agency went on to say that it had believed everything was cool between itself and Hapsford and maybe she was the one that changed when she started talking about things like marriage and kids when they had only recently decided that they were in fact in an exclusive relationship.

When asked for comment Hapsford seemed indignant by what she called a smear campaign being run by the NSA. “Seriously? He acts like we had just met. We had been living together for a year and half when he up and asked me if I thought we should be exclusive. I'm like, do I want to be exclusive...What the hell has this been the past year and a half. And suddenly because we never made it “official” we haven't really been a couple this whole time, that's some bullshit”

The NSA, which has asked that this publication not ask too many questions if we know what is good for us, further commented that they acknowledge that their relationship with Hapsford was exclusive because if it wasn't would they have wasted billions of dollars earmarked for national security and trampled on the fourth amendment rights of the entirety of the civilian population to get her back. They also commented that the guy she seems to be seeing a lot of now is probably not right for her and if he's not careful who he spends his time with he might end up driving his car into a river while drunk at four in the afternoon.

After the NSA press conference confirmed traitor, the Guardian newspaper, released several more leaked documents. These documents muddy the waters around the NSA case by suggesting that the main purpose of the monitoring of cell phones was to intercept pictures sent by girls attempting to sext their boyfriends. This seemed to be the main thrust of the organizations national security work until just last month when a section chief discovered pictures of his own 21 year old daughter on spring break in Cabo when she said she was going on a float trip in downstate Illinois.

These recent revelations could clear Melissa Hapsford of any wrong doing in the break up with the NSA. Sadly, Hapsford could not be reached for comment, has not been to work in several days and has not contacted any friends or family. She was last seen with a black hood on being presented with flowers.

Shark Defends Himself From Intruder

Hilton Head, South Carolina

A Shark off the coast of South Carolina, bit and disarmed an intruder yesterday in his hunting grounds just east of the Hilton Head public beach.

The shark who was relaxing in the shallows shortly before lunch time yesterday morning, was disturbed when he heard a splashing sound from his hunting ground. He investigated only to find the intruder, 12 year old Randall Neibaum, had broken into his territory. Thinking quickly the shark, who for privacy reasons shall remain anonymous, attacked the criminal by grabbing his arm and removing it from his body. The perpetrator escaped only to be discovered later on the shore, having fled the scene.

The case has ignited a firestorm of controversy, with bite rights advocates claiming this as a victory for the rights of a shark to defend himself on his own surf. And bite control advocates arguing that while this case may be an example of a positive use of shark violence, the vast majority of shark bite violence is perpetrated against other fish and having sharks at home or in schools will only lead to great collateral damage amongst all sea life involved.

Wayne LaPier of the pro shark bite, National Retaliation Association (NRA) said the following in a press conference following the incident. 

Attacks like this one in the 70s have been cited by pro bite advocates as a means to defend against criminals

“This is yet another example of a shark being able to defend himself against a land dweller with no respect for the law. Had this shark not been able to bite and maim this criminal then imagine what could have happened. This Shark is a hero and a patriot”

Shark Control representatives have been far from silent on the matter stating that they want to limit the use of shark attacks to those who have proven themselves responsible. Stringently saying that they are not looking to take away the right to bite people from this shark or any other shark who wants to attack people in their own ocean.

The Shark himself has chosen not to openly discuss the matter, speaking only through intermediaries.

A spokesperson from Occupy the Ocean, a loose collective of liberal activists, spoke to Nooze nuggets this morning “Look I agree that this shark had every right to defend himself in his own home. But this type of hysteria that someone wants to take away their teeth is ridiculous. We want to regulate the use of teeth so that those who are not responsible cannot use them.”

Murderer released after it's determined victim asked for it

Ruraltown, West Virginia

Alleged psychopath John B. Chambliss (pictured below) was released earlier today when charges of murder were dropped. The charges were dropped after it was determined that the victim, Maya Steuben had in fact been asking for it.

Chambliss stated in his defense "what was I supposed to do?  Leave her alone and treat her like a person"

The trial of the killing made national headlines after a conservative blogger named Freedom and Gun MAN brought it to national attention. Up until the release of Freedom and Gun MAN's coverage of the trial, it appeared to be an open and shut case. However the blogger raised questions of the direction of the trial when he referred to Steuben as the real perpetrator and released information indicating that the victim had been “doing that annoying chick thing where she claims she doesn't want to be hit on and then dresses all sexy”.

After the blog post an up swell of support poured in from men's rights groups and Chambliss was able to replace his public defender with high powered lawyer Jeffrey Borowitz. Borowitz quickly changed the direction of the defense; arguing that while what Chambliss did was wrong, the victim had been drunk at the time and had been wearing high heels, which clearly meant she had left home that night with no intention of running away. Further questioning of Chambliss on the stand indicated that Steuben had been depressed over his constant stalking and threatening phone calls indicating that she may very well have intended for him to kill her that night.

Judge Marcus Vendorman issued the ruling to drop all charges after several of the police officers on the case testified to the Grand Jury that Steuben “seemed kinda like a bitch” and “clearly wasn't actively trying NOT to be murdered.”. Perhaps the only dissenting voice was the assistant prosecuting attorney Amanda Alrich, who vehemently objected to the defenses attempts to classify Steuben as “another uppity murder victim trying to change her mind after the fact”. Alrich's objections were overruled, though, on the grounds that Alrich herself was pretty but had a grating voice and if she spoke again would be found in contempt.

When Alrich raised no objection to Borowitz's motion to dismiss, Judge Vendorman dropped the case with, “apologies to Mr. Chambliss for the inconvenience.”

Reactions to the verdict have been mixed. Freedom and Gun MAN described it as a return to masculinity in America and then spent several pages waxing nostalgic about how badly he will beat his wife once it becomes legal again. This sentiment was echoed by John Q. Pubic the spokesman for the men's rights group, Y Chromosome. “It was looking pretty bad for men and their strangle hold on society for a minute. I even knew a guy who lost a job to a woman just because he was dangerously unqualified. Now, THAT woman was asking to be murdered.”

When Mr. Pubic was asked how he would feel if his daughter had been in Ms. Steuben's place he seemed unphased. “Look if my daughter went out dressed like that she deserves the attention of whatever psycho comes her way.” 

The community of Ruraltown seemed relieved by the decision.  With the mayor, Mark Darthmore, releasing a statement on behalf of the town.  "Mr. Chambliss was always an upstanding citizen of this community.  He never ever attacked a woman who didn't deserve it nor for that matter did he ever attack a man.  We are happy to have him home."

Several women's groups showed up to protest the ruling and release of Chambliss but nobody really cared what they had to say.

In a final order for the case, Judge Vendorman has ruled Steuben's death a suicide by homocide.

Wayne La Pierre Admits “It's about my small dick”

Washington D.C

Wayne LaPierre, the chief spokes person for the gun industry lobbying group the Nation Rifle Association shocked the press and anyone following the gun debate thursday when over the course of a press conference he revealed that his obsession with guns stems from his heroically small penis.

La Pierre who has been in the public virtually non stop since the current upswell in demand for sensible gun regulation was asked a rather blunt question by a reporter for the daily beast at a press conference yesterday morning about the NRA's new push to include tactical arms training as a part of elementary school gym classes.

The reporter Marta Sester pointedly asked the NRA spokesperson why he was so obsessed with guns as a follow up question to which La Pierre replied

“It's about my small dick. Seriously, it's petite. I'm amazed I was ever able to father children. If you looked quick you might mistake it for a clit.”

After several seconds of uncomfortable silence LaPierre continued. “I don't know about anyone else, but if you look around the locker room at my gun club you are going to find an average of under two inches. Gun enthusiasts really have small penises in my experience. But if you say anything to anyone I'll introduce you to Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson. They have huge cocks.”

The statement immediately opened the National Rifle Association to widespread mockery across the blogosphere. The Daily Koz pilloried the Gun rights lobby, calling them the Short Schlong Shooters, while Buzzfeed offered up an article with an array of things longer than an NRA members penis. Perhaps the only left wing site to avoid the obvious was Jezebel who wrote a series of scathing commentaries on the sexism of tying gun advocacy to small penises when many women who are gun advocates are in fact making up for having small breasts.

Perhaps the only thing more explosive than the response from the left was the response from the right. Several conservative pundits vociferously proclaimed that they had no idea what LaPierre was talking about. Fox's Sean Hannity went on a rant on his show Thursday night about the massive size of his masculinity, explaining that if he chose to he could in fact be having sex with the woman operating camera two while sitting behind his desk.

On his Blaze network Glenn Beck reported that he was worried about the state of the penises in America, and advised everyone listening who was able to buy farmland to house their gigantic male members. He further advised that barring that they should buy their penises weight in gold which could then be used to back the dollar in time of need.

Alex Jones of InfoWars proclaimed that the revelation by LaPierre was a false flag operation by the liberal media. Jones claimed he had exclusive evidence from a source that we was not allowed to name that LaPierre was in fact a closet democrat and perhaps “in a different type of closet, if you know what I mean”.

Even conservative host of the MSNBC show, the ring S.E. Cupp, proclaimed that she was a proud gun owner and on top of fabulous legs (which she then put up on her desk) and large breasts she too had a very large phallus.

When asked to comment on the reaction to his sudden outburst LaPierre said the following:

“I 'm sorry what? I don't know what you're talking about. I am usually far to drunk at those press briefings to remember what the hell I said.”

Defenders of Marriage seek to ban divorce

Washington DC

With a growing controversy over the future of traditional marriage spreading through out the country a new battle front has opened. A group calling themselves the Defenders of Traditional Marriage, has introduced bills in over a dozen state legislatures to ban any and all divorces.

The group, who claims to represent a return to truly traditional marital values: of women as property, dowry driven nuptials, and marriage as a contract between a man and his wife's father, is seeking to enforce a ban on all divorces in the United States. DTM founder, Wayne Macabee, said in an interview with Reuters on Wednesday “We are not a group of crazy religious fanatics. Many in our organization even have very modern marriages where their wives are allowed to leave the house unsupervised and even determine for themselves whether or not they want to have sex. We are not trying to take away any rights from anybody, we just don't think women have rights to take away. We feel that as far the idea of marriage in concerned, it needs to remain as it has been traditionally defined throughout the lions share of human civilization.

The group has had a dramatic increase in support in recent months after a rocky start. Once they released a statement that they while they were against divorce they did support the right of men of property to take mistresses, beat their wives and if necessary abandon their families; conservative state legislatures began to flock to their cause in droves.

Anti-marriage advocates retaliated quickly stating that Mr. Macabee “supports a archaic and dying ideology” that “has not been the ideology of any sane person since before the reformation". These groups, such as the liberal minded group Freedom From Stupid People, not only claim that a literal interpretation of the Bible is not appropriate given the allegorical history of the Hebrew tradition but even go so far to claim that there are some people not bound by Biblical law because they are not Christian.

Mr. Macabee for his part responded saying “There is nothing in the Bible that is not totally in line with a living fulfilling life provided you are a straight male who happens to believe in it's teachings. And I think that that's a criteria that we all can fit into.”

Macabee's group has carried out several demonstrations over the past few weeks around the offices of divorce attorneys local to the D.C. Area. Often standing there harassing people trying to enter the offices. DTM protestors are often seen carrying signs with a picture of a pair of wedding rings and photos of happy couples from wedding ceremonies with slogans such as: “I would have taken you even without the dowry” and “You said till Death do us part and you're not dead yet.”

In some areas pro divorce groups like, Americans for Second Chances and the National Bar Association have started advertising for volunteer escorts to help shield couples trying to seek an end to their marriage.

The actions of DTM have created some strange bed fellows in Washington as Illinois Senator Mark Kirk(R) and California Representative Karen Bass(D) have come together to write a bill to simultaneously go through the house and Senate known as the Newt Gingrich act. The Bill would effectively end the DTM's movement by removing the specific first amendment rights of the group and it's members. The bill is expected to pass by a narrow margin when voted on next Tuesday.