Washington D.C.- Contract negotiations
broke down today in the nations capitol as the 60 day cooling off
period ended in the dispute between the Science and the it's
employer, the Modern World. As a result Science and all of it's
associated laws officially went on strike at midnight this morning.
Science had been fighting The Modern
World over a variety of issues, from things like investment into it
to mundane matters like making sure that textbooks did not put it
next to religious studies. What has been by far the most contentious
issue, is the question of how to address those who don't believe in
Science. Indeed it was debating this matter that caused talks to
break down. According to an anonymous source from the Newtonian
laws, Science has been seeking a flat out embargo of all scientific
principles levied while the Modern World wants non-rationale people
to continue to receive the full benefits of all Scientific discovery.
The Photo Electric Effect released the
following statement on behalf of Science announcing the strike. “This
evening, talks with The Modern World broke down. Despite our best
efforts and attempts to come to reasonable and logical compromises
with The Modern World, we have found ourselves without any recourse.
As of midnight tonight we are on strike.”
For their part The Modern World has
chosen not to comment publicly on what broke down in negotiations
choosing only to say that they are not sure that this strike is
allowed within the laws of physics and that Science clearly only has
the interests of Science in mind. The Modern World found themselves
unable to comment further as the laws of fluid dynamics took that
moment to walk out, leaving speech impossible.
While The Modern World has not been
able to issue a further comment, it has not prevented commentary from
many people who found themselves in opposition to Science. Jeb
Heckler of the Texas Board of Education released a statement to the
press in which he said, “Here in Texas we don't believe in Science.
We haven't had faith in it for years. We believe in three things:
Guns, Gods and ...greed maybe? Let Science go on strike. We'll be
fine without 'em.” Mr. Heckler then had to excuse himself as he had
begun to float toward the ceiling.
In an effort to maintain public
support and as a show of good faith Science has offered to maintain a
skeleton crew around hospitals and emergency facilities. In other
sectors The Modern World has been seeking to fill positions with
non-rational labor from magick, alchemy, homeopathy and other
pseudo-sciences that may see this as a chance to jump into the
mainstream.
The strike began with a coinciding
rallies at the Fermi Lab National Laboratory, Glacier National Park
and National Air and Space museum. Each of these rallies featured a
performance by the strong and weak nuclear forces, and keynote
speeches by some of the all stars of Science, including Evolution
speaking at Yellowstone, Cosmic background radiation giving a concert
of Woody Guthrie covers at Fermi and in the Nations Capital, the
Bernoulli principal giving a fiery populist speech.
As the strike continues there has been
talk of solidarity actions by the Science locals in other areas of
the world. Perhaps the only local that hasn't voiced an opinion is
the local for the Vatican, which has not had use for Science for the
last two thousand years.
Today, in an act of Solidarity,
Philosophy walked on the job and joined Science at the picket line,
leaving everyone with an extreme case of existential angst.
