Texas- Republican presidential
candidate Ron Paul, may have found the opportunity he needed to
revive his suspended campaign last Sunday. While on his way home
from church Paul and his wife came across a young man who had fallen
into a local river while fishing and was desperately trying to
struggle against the current. Seizing on the opportunity Paul, who
never travels without a small film crew of college freshman to record
his viral videos, sprang into action. Pulling his car to the side of
the road Paul approached the drowning man, one Reginald Beaufort of
Backwater, LA, and proceeded to give the man all the aid he could.
Beaufort, who was unable to swim,
screamed for help and Paul was there to answer. Paul explained to
Beaufort that the only one who could help him was himself and told
Beaufort to simply swim for shore against the swiftly flowing river.
When Beaufort explained he couldn't swim, Paul offered to teach him
at a rate to be determined by the market. When Beaufort explained
that his wallet had been washed away by the deluge, Paul reminded him
that in such cases it would fall to private charity to ensure that
men such as Beaufort were taken care of. Beaufort, who by this point
was quickly losing ground against the river, said that he understood
and felt bad that he had been looking for a handout. Paul quickly
assured him that with the government involvement in such things as
rivers and waterways it was understandable, and if that Paul were
President he would ensure that the free market dictated who would
drown in rivers without government intervention. By this point in
the civics lesson Beaufort had slipped below the water.
During Paul's heroic lecture a crowd
had begun to gather. Paul ended the video by turning to the crowd and
labeling Beaufort a hero for choosing not to learn how to swim,
choosing to accidentally fall into a river and then opting to succumb
to it's force rather than rely on a socialist service like 911. When
asked by local reporters if Paul had ever considered intervening
directly and pulling Beaufort to shore; Paul, aggravated, replied “No
sir. For three reasons, 1)Helping those who have been unable to
compete is the job of charity which I am not, 2)as a member of the
government, it would be unconstitutional for me to intervene in the
private enterprise of his drowning and 3)having lost his wallet he
would not have been able to cover the cost of my dry cleaning, which
I had determined to be the market rate for my intervention. Look
since I first took my Hypocratic Oath I have been trying to make it
clear to people that we must rid ourselves of this notion that it is
worthwhile caring for each other.”
The video, which was posted on to
Paul's website by the end of the day, has already gone viral and
given new life to the former doctors suspended presidential bid. At
a Tea Party rally Monday, Meg Schlepenfetch, a Tea Party supporter
from Omaha, Wyoming had the following to say about the heroic rescue.
“Ron Paul has always been a true
American patriot. Most people would have thought that they had some
sort of moral obligation to help Reggie Beaufort but Ron Paul has
shown us the light. If someone doesn't know how to swim we have no
obligation to risk our own lives or expensive church clothes.”
Schlepenfetch went on to criticize liberals for their interventionist
stance on drowning. “If it were up to liberals, then none of us
would die by accidental drowning. All pools would have fences and no
precocious two year old would be able to give themselves swim
lessons. The founding fathers didn't write the constitution so that
children couldn't drown if they choose to.”
Democrats for their part have said
little on the video. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney released
a statement saying the President had other matters to worry about
than a drowning man in a distinctly red state. Perhaps more than
anything this statement set the news cycle abuzz with speculation
that the President has given up on any hope of winning Texas in the
fall.
