Hades- Media mogul Rupert Murdoch was
the man of the hour in the Underworld last night. The Australian
Billionaire traveled down to the Pit to accept a the Infernal
Lifetime Achievement Award for the advancement of the war on He who
is Holy, Hell's lifetime achievement award. This marks only the
fourth time since Jesus redeemed mankind that the honor has been
awarded, and the first time that it has been given to a mortal who
still walks the terrestrial plane. The ceremony, which lasted over
an hour, was hosted by Hell's funniest infernal minion, Abaddon, and
boasted a whose who of the Fallen , Damned and Neverborn.
Held in the heart of the Ninth Circle,
the banquet honoring Murdoch was the not to miss event of both the
Hellish and Hollywood award season. The evening featured a brief
biography on Murdoch starting with his childhood and ultimately
capping off with his recent encounters with the British Parliament in
the wake of the recent phone-hacking scandal. As former German
Chancellor Adolph Hitler said in a speech honoring the man of the
hour “Rupert has shown a dedication to evil that even I couldn't
match. Fully aware of what he was doing he lied to the parents of a
slain nine-year-old girl and encouraged an environment where his
employees were asked to do the same. Where as many of us here,
myself included, needed to dilude ourselves that were were doing
righteous work, Rupert has immersed himself fully in vileness and
turned it to his benefit.
In the presentation of the award
(which was handed over by the Prince of Lies himself) the Lord of
Darkness cited Murdoch's ruthless attempts to belittle and undermine
his opponents in both the public and private spheres. “Rupert has
shown an almost sociopathic resistance to all this decent and good in
the world. He has proven time and again that if you are strong
enough and corrupt enough you can truly walk without fear. I look
forward to the time when you set up shop down here and we can really
get some work done.”
When it came time for Murdoch to speak
he did so with his characteristic bluntness and intimidation.
Calling for a partnership between himself and the Lightbringer,
Murdoch revealed that he had recently been buying property in Hell,
and that he was looking already making plans to grow his empire into
the new market. Naming Satan the acting CEO, Murdoch said that it
was not his goal to change Hell so much as streamline it. He also
thought that it's place as perhaps the most rapidly growing market in
the whole of creation and eventual home to essentially every member
of his target audience, the Dark Realm was uniquely situated to be
the test market and vanguard of Murdoch's newest venture. Murdoch is
seeking to introduce an entirely conservative television service to
audiences to quote “could see no locale more appropriate than Hell
to base the venture. Murdoch's finished his remarks by thanking the
Devil and upon receiving a text message while at the podium
announcing that he now had a majority stake in the netherworld and
that all in attendance now belonged to him.
After the new Dark Lord finished his
remarks the entertainment for the evening commenced. Featured
performances included a duet between Ronald Reagan and Roy Cohn,
singing “The Way We Were”, and Ronnie James Dio singing the hits
of Frank Sinatra (Sinatra was unavailable, as he was performing in
Valhalla that evening). The event will be rebroadcast in coming
weeks on all Fox channels.
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