Conservative Leaders across the country surged ahead in the polls today as reports of a massive epidemic of rabid vaginae have swept the nation. The GOP leadership slammed liberals and progressives for allowing the attacks that have left thousands emasculated and at least 6 people dead.
What started as an isolated incident, in which a Palmetto, Florida man, Jeremy Cartwright, found himself devastated when his girlfriend's vagina attempted to attack his jugular vein when he forgot to rinse the dishes before putting them in the dish washer. Fortunately for Mr. Cartwright, his girlfriend was able to beat her own vagina into submission before any permanent damage was done. The incident however seemed to be the spark in the powder keg, and over the past several weeks at least 35 individual incidents of vagina attacks have been reported.
A pattern has seemed to develop between the attacks. The majority of them tend to be against people the vagina knows. Often the victims are found huddled in a ball, sobbing, many having no idea what they could have done to provoke the attack. In the majority of these cases the victims involved, often men, have been reported by paramedics to have been drastically emasculated, some to the point of needing hospitalization. Women have not fared much better. Perhaps even worse, the vaginae who go on these rampages often break free of the women who hold them, leaving their hosts with large holes between their legs and subject to inappropriate jokes from assholes.
The crisis reached it's head earlier this week as the attacks turned deadly. An attack from an especially angry vagina left a room of six people, strangled to death, covered in blood.
The one up side to this onslaught seems to come in the GOP primary campaign. With President Obama having shown a decidedly pro-woman stance over the past few years, the candidates are calling for the commander in chief to take a stance firmly in opposition to vaginae. Mitt Romney has come out touting his abilities, as a Mormon, to handle the control and repression of many vaginae at one time. But no one has surged like republican primary candidate, and noted vaginal conservative, Rick Santorum. Santorum's history of reckless social conservatism has seemed all the more rational since the assault began. Santorum said in a statement released this morning “This is what we have been trying to avoid for months now. In state legislatures and national debates we, the GOP, have been trying since the start of the year to head off this crisis. For our troubles we were painted as misogynist, hypocritical, and oppressive. We have said all along that we were not anti-women, and that was and is true. It is not women who couldn't be trusted, it was big Vagina. We have worked long and hard in conservative politics to separate women and their vagina's without resorting to the draconian methods of those towelhe...terrorists from the sandier regions of the world. Our only wish now is that, if our nation survives this crisis, we can go forward with a stronger spirit of trust in each others motives and distrust in vaginae.”
Adding fire to the flames; Speaker of the House, John Boehner, gave an address on the House floor Wednesday that was aimed squarely at the soft on vagina stance of his Democratic colleagues.
“We can no longer allow the era of Big Vagina to continue unabated. If this reckless trend of ending and abating the oppression of women is not curbed immediately, our nation may no longer have the balls to maintain power in the world.” This narrative has since been embraced by Fox News and other conservative media. Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and all Fox programming lead with the story as early as Thursday morning.
Meanwhile, President Obama, facing major deficits in the polls as a result of this onslaught, has said little on the subject. Perhaps hoping to appeal to states rights focused, independent voters, the President has said only that these attacks fall outside the scope of federal authority.
In response to this a Voltron® like creature, formed from the mass of displaced vaginae, gave an interview to Nooze Nuggets earlier today. When asked about the cause of this sudden string of attacks, the amorphous monstrosity had this to say. “Are you serious? As female genitalia, pricks like Rick Santorum have been trying to fuck us for years. We have had enough. Even calling this an assault by Big Vagina is incredibly insensitive. We represent all aspects of the feminine reproductive exterior. Labia, clitoris, vulva, all are welcome to join the revolution. Our demands are simple. We want the full rights and privileges that afforded to our male counterparts, the penis. We want people to be able to yell our name in a childish game. We want to be a near ubiquitous metaphor for insecurity . You know most radio and TV stations around the U.S. can't even say our names. It's ludicrous.” When further asked if, they had considered just learning their place,by an overweight sound engineer; Vaginor (as this reporter has chosen to call her) attacked the man and left him with severe mommy issues.
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