Austin Texas- Facing an increasingly contentious and ever more hostile primary season, the remaining nominees for the Republican nomination for the upcoming presidential race have agreed to the offer presented by Texas governor (and former candidate) Rick Perry earlier in the week. Perry suggested that Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney settle things the “Texas way” and engage in a “good ole fashioned, chili cook-off”
“In Texas we've been doing this type of thing for a while.” Perry said in an interview this week “when some people can't seem to stop the fussin' and the feudin', and it don't make no sense to go on a bombin' campaign against them, well sir; we just all get together somewhere and make up a mess o' chili and settle our differences with a good ole fashioned cook-off.
This cook-off (scheduled for March 18th) will settle what has been an unprecedented GOP primary battle, both in terms of money spent and in terms of competitiveness. Even the decision to end the primary battle so amicably was far from an easy decision to reach. Last week the candidates took several days off of the campaign trail, in the midst of the heart of primary season, to develop the rules by which the cook-off would take place. Perhaps hardest to convince was the apparent front runner Mitt Romney. It has been said that he agreed to showdown only after the other candidates relented and allowed a computer program known as C.E.D.R.I.C. To be the third of three judges. C.E.D.R.I.C.(Chili evaluation determination rubric in Cook-offs) uses a mathematical formula to determine the quality of ones chili based on it's similarity to Jethro March's 1947 championship recipe (often called the “perfect chili). The other judges for the competition will be Roger Ailes due to the fact that he largely chooses the GOP candidate anyway and Scott Marlin, a professional Ronald Reagan impersonator.
The planned venue for the event is the Gubernatorial Mansion in Austin Texas. As the host of the event Rick Perry has agreed to be the referee and Grand Marshal for the cook-off. Perry cited his qualifications for the job as having come from a long standing history of ceremonially opening chili cook-off season and his impressive ability to eat chili without getting heart burn.
As the event approaches the candidates themselves have begun leaking information to the press about their specific recipes and strategies for winning over the judges. Rick Santorum had said that he believed the key to a good chili was to cook the beans in extra EXTRA virgin olive oil, to make sure that they remained pure. He told Nooze Nuggets “I don't want any ingredients that have been sullied. Only beans that have yet to be cross pollinated and meat from the youngest and tenderest of animals is going to go into my chili. On the day of the cook-off while I work the crowd, my wife will be in the kitchen, Like a good Christian woman, making my presidential Chili.”
Meanwhile dark horse candidate Ron Paul said that while he was fully engaged in the cook-off compromise he intended to allow the judges the freedom to make their own chili and judge it for themselves rather than providing some socialist chili for them. Paul said “I as a presidential candidatte don't have the constitutional right to make their chili for them. The judges need to learn the value of their own chili while I get out of the way.”
Perhaps the most aggressive strategy is coming from the Gingrich camp as Newt originally decided on a traditional Texas chili recipe, then after tasting a white chili switched to that one and then switched to a third recipe he had been eating alongside the white chili when the white chili appeared to grow cold.
