Obama to Explain Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

Washington D.C.
President Obama, riding a slight bump in the polls following his populist State of the Union address, announced today that he is going to follow up his State of the Union Address with a series of speeches aimed at answering some persistent questions that the American people have been asking for some time.  First on the docket: the question of why bad things happen to good people.  In the following weeks we can expect to see speeches on where babies come from and whether or not the refrigerator light stays on when we shut the door.  
Today in the daily news briefing White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney said that
this was quote “One of the most pressing issues on the minds of Americans today.  The President knows that the vast majority of Americans are good people, yet an equally vast majority have seen bad things happen to them.  The President understands this and has been consulting with other world leaders as to whether or not bad things happen to good people in their countries as well.”  On Thursday the President will give a speech on his findings and conclusions from the kitchen of the White House, where just yesterday a very nice chef named Mel cut himself while slicing radishes.  
When asked if the president has any plans laid out to help reverse this process of bad things happening to good people, Carney politely dodged the question saying that he would not comment on the scope of the presidents speech, only that it would explain the problem in a way that would make the American public feel warm, safe and as though yes we in fact Can.  
The timing of the speech has been called into question by both Congressional Democrats and Republicans, as recent polling seems to indicate that while bad things happening to good people have been on the rise they are matched by a rise in bad things happening to bad people.  Which some Democrats say reflects a lack of compassion for those bad people affected and some Republicans claim indicates the problem will soon solve itself
Republican leaders wasted no time in responding to the announcement.  Speaker of the House John Boehner released a statement Tuesday morning in which he chastised the President for waiting so long to address this issue.  In his statement Boehner said “The President has been busy worrying about people in other countries who may or may not be good.  Meanwhile, Americans, who have been proven to be Good, have been ignored.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell used even stronger language saying in a televised speech on his back porch while getting his paper Wednesday morning “What would President Obama know about bad things happening to good people.  He is in no position to know much of anything about good people.  Unless he's busy trying to enslave them as revenge for something that happened four hundred years ago.”
Fox News Analyst Sarah Palin responded despite not being asked for comment “I think it's awful and libelous that the President has said that I am the cause of all the bad things in this country.  If he were a moose and I was in a helicopter I think we'd see who the good people really was.”
When informed that the President never made the statements referred to and that she had just threatened a sitting US president Ms. Palin, in an unexpected move, declined comment.  

Supporters of Global Warming Fight for Dirty Coal Technology

Frankfort, Kentucky- Thousands of people descended on the capitol of Kentucky this weekend to defend dirty coal technology. The Society for the Preservation of the Sunset organized the march to help spread awareness of recently developed dirty coal technology, which according to the Societies website will increase the variety and boldness of colors in the sunset as it helps to release more chemicals into the atmosphere.

Founder of the Society Brant Rathmore spoke at the protest in support of the coal industry and the pending Keystone XL Pipeline. Giving his speech as the sun set over the ozarks.

“We are the romantics of the world. We are the aesthetes. We are the artists and the people who truly appreciate beauty. We are the people who don't need to breathe as long as we have beauty. These carbon factories spew forward their noxious chemicals for the benefit of us all. I say that if we can have more subtle shades of blue and green added to our dusk on a daily basis then breathing is a luxury I can do without.” Rathmore spoke for more that fifty minutes before succumbing to a coughing fit, saying that his asthma has been acting up lately.

The Society has been at the forefront of a recent rogue movement within the political left. Seeming to support the “let's ride this horse to the ground” methodology of social change these so called neo-libs have taken the stance that, to once again quote Rathmore, “we are pretty much fucked no matter what we do at this point, so let's keep playing till the ship goes under” referencing a popular urban legend about the Titanic. The Society for the Preservation for the Sunset has found political allies among other fatalistic organizations sprung from disillusionment with a Democratic party that, during this last legislative session, literally could not find their ass despite using both hands. The Society has formed a coalition with Americans for Despair, and The Just Let the Damn Thing Burn Initiative to explore options to increase public apathy and expedite the deterioration of our society.

Americans for Despair founder Joe Kroker spoke to Nooze Nuggets at the Sunset rally and said” Look sometimes you have to just rip the damn Band-aid off. If it's over a seven inch gash in your head, it's going to hurt and you're still going to bleed out, but at least you don't have that damn Band-Aid getting in your way.” When it was pointed out that his analogy didn't make any sense he pointed to the west and replied “SHHHHHH Preeeety”

While organizations such as Joe Kroker's and Brant Rathmore's are always gaining ground on the political left, they are coming under fire from the more traditional progressive stalwarts. ThinkProgress.org has slammed The Society for the Preservation of the Sunset for what it calls the Society's “utter abandonment of progressive ideals and beliefs” and “GOPesque embracing of all that is self serving and toxic to the civilization at large.” In response to these accusations Rathmore said that his organization “merely realizes the futility of giving a damn.” Expounding upon how his group is separate from many right wing groups with seemingly similar ideals, Rathmore said 'The difference between us and the GOP is that the Republicans think that may actually help society by increasing unemployment, personal debt levels, toxins in the environment and decreasing access to free education, the civil liberties of dissident factions and vital tax revenue. We know that it is the key to our destruction, we just figure we'll get there quicker if we all pitch in.”

For their part the GOP seems split among similar lines as usual. Mainline GOP Politicos think that the rising tide of disenfranchised leftists vying for a quick death of the human race are too extreme.

Meanwhile, the Teas Party movement has embraced them as brothers in arms. To quote House Majority Leader Eric Cantor “most of these people I've talked to have said that they don't want to see the rich get their money siphoned off in taxes either. They want the money with the rich in liquid forms so that if they choose to they can storm the houses of the rich, beat them within and inch of their lives, and take all possessions as their own. This is the Libertarian utopia we have been dreaming of.” Rathmore had no specific comment on this except to say “We haven't managed to bring down society yet, give us a LITTLE time. We are doing our best.”

Privileged White Men Plan Boycott Of MLK Day

Washington D.C.- Late Tuesday night the International Association of Privileged White
Men voted unanimously in their bi monthly union meeting to boycott the upcoming Martin Luther King Day holiday. Citing that the holiday honoring the greatest civil rights leader in American history is inherently racist in it's rejection of the privileged status of old white men in society. The group ,which is made up largely of business owners, has declared that the holiday will not be observed by any company belonging to a member on the association.

In a press release the organization has declared that until Martin Luther King day observances are expanded to include the privileged and special status of overweight Caucasian males they will boycott any observance or celebration of the holiday. They press release went on to say that as part of their boycott they will be closing their doors on Martin Luther King day and will not open until the day after. Though some were concerned about the negative effect this might have on the employees of the mega corporations that make up the IAPWM a representative of the group reported that to help garner employee support all those given the day off will receive full pay for their sacrifice.

Traditionally African American organizations such as the Rainbow Push Foundation and the NAACP have expressed mixed feelings about this nationwide protest. The Rev. Al Sharpton made a seemingly representative statement to the L.A. Journal the morning after the IAWPM vote. “ I must admit to feeling somewhat conflicted. I mean, we have been trying to get companies to recognize the work of Brother Martin for nearly fifty years now, however this is not quite what we were aiming. Still I suppose in the end a boycott does carry on the legacy of our dearly departed friend and mentor.” Rev. Sharpton's views were echoed by fellow civil rights leader and former friend of Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson. Reverend Jackson made clear that the functional aspect of giving employees MLK day off overrides any confusion in the reasoning behind the gesture.

The IAWPM responded to the statements from Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson by sending out the following press release “What?! No. Dammit that's not what we were going for. We are fighting for the rights of privileged white men not to celebrate some dead N...never mind my secretary, with whom I am having an extra-marital affair, just told me that that would be offensive. I remember when you could say anything you want without some uppity...umm African Americans getting their loincloths all up in a bunch. Those were the days, anyway, where was I. Oh yeah. I think Mr, Sharpton and Mr, Jackson have missed the point. Heh, imagine me calling them mister.(dictated not read)”

The IAWPM in an effort to further demonstrate the oppression they feel as rich white men has recently released a large budget documentary titled Only the 20 year referring to the recent Christmas holiday, when the group could only afford to give out cases of 20 year old scotch to it's members as opposed to the standard 30 year. The documentary (described in a press release as a heartbreaking tale of America gone wrong) shows how even while the membership of the Privileged White Men's union were forced take their annual golf outing at Hilton Head instead of St. Andrews, their children were being given the day off to celebrate a rabble rouser who had been dead for over four decades.

Perhaps the organizations ombudsman, Wilson Herreshire III, put it best, “ Look we support Martin Luther, if not for him we'd all be Catholic, but we need to take a stand against this rampant support of the lower classes. We will not work on Martin Luther King Jr day until the there is a day dedicated the Rockafellers, the Michael Milkens or the Bernie Madoffs of the world. Now if you'll excuse me I have a polo game at 9.

Scientists admit to researching the obvious because it's easy.

Berkeley, California- In an open letter to the public at large to be published in this months issue of

Popular Science, a inter disciplinary group of scientists from the University of California-Berkeley have released a hidden side of science that is sure to rock the nations science community to it's core.

The letter releases new insights into the world of the research scientist as the Berkeley post grads all admit that science stopped attempting to come up with new information around 1963 and since then the chief focus of the scientific community has been to ensure the in flow of life sustaining grants by claiming successful results to studies that report on the obvious.

The head of the Life Sciences division at Berkeley, Dr. Liam Neasen explained the report in an interview with BSP. “It's not that scientists don't want to feel the joy of discovery...we really do. The problem is that researching new topics doesn't guarantee success. It's like in middle school science. If you are repeating an experiment that has a known result you can be assured of success and the approval of the teachers: only in this case the teachers are rich people and the “A's” are grants.

Neasen cited recent peer reviewed articles that discovered such stunning truths as

“Links found between fast food consumption and obesity”-published in the June 2008 issue of The National Dietary review.

“Teenagers found to have increased hormone levels”- published in the spring edition of Life Sciences Quarterly

and

“Menstruation rates found to be higher in women” -published in the Journal of Reproductive Health,

The head of the National Science foundation said in a response to the admission from the scientific community “ We at the NSF know nothing about these supposedly obvious studies. As a Scientist it is anathema to our purpose to take anything for granted. I am still unsure about many “obvious” scientific truths. Evolution, Gravity and Heliocentricity all leave me highly suspect and when I was appointed by President Bush, that was exactly the type of skepticism he asked me to bring to bear on the nations scientific community.”

Defending the group out of Berkeley, Monsanto (a major contributor to food science research) likened the backing of a scientific study to the backing of a political candidate “You don't put money towards the campaign of a political candidate if you don't KNOW that they are going to win. Why would you put money towards a study that might not turn out as you hoped. Scientific exploration can be messy and unpredictable, while studying things which have already been discovered and are easily visible as fact ensures a positive result.” Their statements were echoed by many other popular reseacrh organizations and think tanks.

A research assistant out of Occidental College said on condition of anonymity “Look discovery doesn't put food in my mouth or finish paying off this PhD I'm working on. Give me grant money and lots of it. Our world is complex enough already without us having to go out and “find out new stuff” every three days. Please, that kind of work is enough to give the impression that being a Doctoral level researcher is hard, and if I didn't work hard to get where I'm at, I'm not going to start now.”