Laws of Physics Go On Strike

Washington D.C.- Contract negotiations broke down today in the nations capitol as the 60 day cooling off period ended in the dispute between the Science and the it's employer, the Modern World. As a result Science and all of it's associated laws officially went on strike at midnight this morning.

Science had been fighting The Modern World over a variety of issues, from things like investment into it to mundane matters like making sure that textbooks did not put it next to religious studies. What has been by far the most contentious issue, is the question of how to address those who don't believe in Science. Indeed it was debating this matter that caused talks to break down. According to an anonymous source from the Newtonian laws, Science has been seeking a flat out embargo of all scientific principles levied while the Modern World wants non-rationale people to continue to receive the full benefits of all Scientific discovery.

The Photo Electric Effect released the following statement on behalf of Science announcing the strike. “This evening, talks with The Modern World broke down. Despite our best efforts and attempts to come to reasonable and logical compromises with The Modern World, we have found ourselves without any recourse. As of midnight tonight we are on strike.”

For their part The Modern World has chosen not to comment publicly on what broke down in negotiations choosing only to say that they are not sure that this strike is allowed within the laws of physics and that Science clearly only has the interests of Science in mind. The Modern World found themselves unable to comment further as the laws of fluid dynamics took that moment to walk out, leaving speech impossible.

While The Modern World has not been able to issue a further comment, it has not prevented commentary from many people who found themselves in opposition to Science. Jeb Heckler of the Texas Board of Education released a statement to the press in which he said, “Here in Texas we don't believe in Science. We haven't had faith in it for years. We believe in three things: Guns, Gods and ...greed maybe? Let Science go on strike. We'll be fine without 'em.” Mr. Heckler then had to excuse himself as he had begun to float toward the ceiling.

In an effort to maintain public support and as a show of good faith Science has offered to maintain a skeleton crew around hospitals and emergency facilities. In other sectors The Modern World has been seeking to fill positions with non-rational labor from magick, alchemy, homeopathy and other pseudo-sciences that may see this as a chance to jump into the mainstream.

The strike began with a coinciding rallies at the Fermi Lab National Laboratory, Glacier National Park and National Air and Space museum. Each of these rallies featured a performance by the strong and weak nuclear forces, and keynote speeches by some of the all stars of Science, including Evolution speaking at Yellowstone, Cosmic background radiation giving a concert of Woody Guthrie covers at Fermi and in the Nations Capital, the Bernoulli principal giving a fiery populist speech.

As the strike continues there has been talk of solidarity actions by the Science locals in other areas of the world. Perhaps the only local that hasn't voiced an opinion is the local for the Vatican, which has not had use for Science for the last two thousand years.

Today, in an act of Solidarity, Philosophy walked on the job and joined Science at the picket line, leaving everyone with an extreme case of existential angst.

Ron Paul Teaches Drowning Man Valuable Lesson in Self Reliance.

Texas- Republican presidential candidate Ron Paul, may have found the opportunity he needed to revive his suspended campaign last Sunday. While on his way home from church Paul and his wife came across a young man who had fallen into a local river while fishing and was desperately trying to struggle against the current. Seizing on the opportunity Paul, who never travels without a small film crew of college freshman to record his viral videos, sprang into action. Pulling his car to the side of the road Paul approached the drowning man, one Reginald Beaufort of Backwater, LA, and proceeded to give the man all the aid he could.

Beaufort, who was unable to swim, screamed for help and Paul was there to answer. Paul explained to Beaufort that the only one who could help him was himself and told Beaufort to simply swim for shore against the swiftly flowing river. When Beaufort explained he couldn't swim, Paul offered to teach him at a rate to be determined by the market. When Beaufort explained that his wallet had been washed away by the deluge, Paul reminded him that in such cases it would fall to private charity to ensure that men such as Beaufort were taken care of. Beaufort, who by this point was quickly losing ground against the river, said that he understood and felt bad that he had been looking for a handout. Paul quickly assured him that with the government involvement in such things as rivers and waterways it was understandable, and if that Paul were President he would ensure that the free market dictated who would drown in rivers without government intervention. By this point in the civics lesson Beaufort had slipped below the water.

During Paul's heroic lecture a crowd had begun to gather. Paul ended the video by turning to the crowd and labeling Beaufort a hero for choosing not to learn how to swim, choosing to accidentally fall into a river and then opting to succumb to it's force rather than rely on a socialist service like 911. When asked by local reporters if Paul had ever considered intervening directly and pulling Beaufort to shore; Paul, aggravated, replied “No sir. For three reasons, 1)Helping those who have been unable to compete is the job of charity which I am not, 2)as a member of the government, it would be unconstitutional for me to intervene in the private enterprise of his drowning and 3)having lost his wallet he would not have been able to cover the cost of my dry cleaning, which I had determined to be the market rate for my intervention. Look since I first took my Hypocratic Oath I have been trying to make it clear to people that we must rid ourselves of this notion that it is worthwhile caring for each other.”

The video, which was posted on to Paul's website by the end of the day, has already gone viral and given new life to the former doctors suspended presidential bid. At a Tea Party rally Monday, Meg Schlepenfetch, a Tea Party supporter from Omaha, Wyoming had the following to say about the heroic rescue.

“Ron Paul has always been a true American patriot. Most people would have thought that they had some sort of moral obligation to help Reggie Beaufort but Ron Paul has shown us the light. If someone doesn't know how to swim we have no obligation to risk our own lives or expensive church clothes.” Schlepenfetch went on to criticize liberals for their interventionist stance on drowning. “If it were up to liberals, then none of us would die by accidental drowning. All pools would have fences and no precocious two year old would be able to give themselves swim lessons. The founding fathers didn't write the constitution so that children couldn't drown if they choose to.”

Democrats for their part have said little on the video. White House Press Secretary Jay Carney released a statement saying the President had other matters to worry about than a drowning man in a distinctly red state. Perhaps more than anything this statement set the news cycle abuzz with speculation that the President has given up on any hope of winning Texas in the fall.

Rupert Murdoch accepts lifetime achievement award from Hell. Announces merger

Hades- Media mogul Rupert Murdoch was the man of the hour in the Underworld last night. The Australian Billionaire traveled down to the Pit to accept a the Infernal Lifetime Achievement Award for the advancement of the war on He who is Holy, Hell's lifetime achievement award. This marks only the fourth time since Jesus redeemed mankind that the honor has been awarded, and the first time that it has been given to a mortal who still walks the terrestrial plane. The ceremony, which lasted over an hour, was hosted by Hell's funniest infernal minion, Abaddon, and boasted a whose who of the Fallen , Damned and Neverborn.

Held in the heart of the Ninth Circle, the banquet honoring Murdoch was the not to miss event of both the Hellish and Hollywood award season. The evening featured a brief biography on Murdoch starting with his childhood and ultimately capping off with his recent encounters with the British Parliament in the wake of the recent phone-hacking scandal. As former German Chancellor Adolph Hitler said in a speech honoring the man of the hour “Rupert has shown a dedication to evil that even I couldn't match. Fully aware of what he was doing he lied to the parents of a slain nine-year-old girl and encouraged an environment where his employees were asked to do the same. Where as many of us here, myself included, needed to dilude ourselves that were were doing righteous work, Rupert has immersed himself fully in vileness and turned it to his benefit.

In the presentation of the award (which was handed over by the Prince of Lies himself) the Lord of Darkness cited Murdoch's ruthless attempts to belittle and undermine his opponents in both the public and private spheres. “Rupert has shown an almost sociopathic resistance to all this decent and good in the world. He has proven time and again that if you are strong enough and corrupt enough you can truly walk without fear. I look forward to the time when you set up shop down here and we can really get some work done.”

When it came time for Murdoch to speak he did so with his characteristic bluntness and intimidation. Calling for a partnership between himself and the Lightbringer, Murdoch revealed that he had recently been buying property in Hell, and that he was looking already making plans to grow his empire into the new market. Naming Satan the acting CEO, Murdoch said that it was not his goal to change Hell so much as streamline it. He also thought that it's place as perhaps the most rapidly growing market in the whole of creation and eventual home to essentially every member of his target audience, the Dark Realm was uniquely situated to be the test market and vanguard of Murdoch's newest venture. Murdoch is seeking to introduce an entirely conservative television service to audiences to quote “could see no locale more appropriate than Hell to base the venture. Murdoch's finished his remarks by thanking the Devil and upon receiving a text message while at the podium announcing that he now had a majority stake in the netherworld and that all in attendance now belonged to him.

After the new Dark Lord finished his remarks the entertainment for the evening commenced. Featured performances included a duet between Ronald Reagan and Roy Cohn, singing “The Way We Were”, and Ronnie James Dio singing the hits of Frank Sinatra (Sinatra was unavailable, as he was performing in Valhalla that evening). The event will be rebroadcast in coming weeks on all Fox channels.

Conservatives Gain as Rabid Vaginae Run Amok.

Conservative Leaders across the country surged ahead in the polls today as reports of a massive epidemic of rabid vaginae have swept the nation. The GOP leadership slammed liberals and progressives for allowing the attacks that have left thousands emasculated and at least 6 people dead.

What started as an isolated incident, in which a Palmetto, Florida man, Jeremy Cartwright, found himself devastated when his girlfriend's vagina attempted to attack his jugular vein when he forgot to rinse the dishes before putting them in the dish washer. Fortunately for Mr. Cartwright, his girlfriend was able to beat her own vagina into submission before any permanent damage was done. The incident however seemed to be the spark in the powder keg, and over the past several weeks at least 35 individual incidents of vagina attacks have been reported.

A pattern has seemed to develop between the attacks. The majority of them tend to be against people the vagina knows. Often the victims are found huddled in a ball, sobbing, many having no idea what they could have done to provoke the attack. In the majority of these cases the victims involved, often men, have been reported by paramedics to have been drastically emasculated, some to the point of needing hospitalization. Women have not fared much better. Perhaps even worse, the vaginae who go on these rampages often break free of the women who hold them, leaving their hosts with large holes between their legs and subject to inappropriate jokes from assholes.

The crisis reached it's head earlier this week as the attacks turned deadly. An attack from an especially angry vagina left a room of six people, strangled to death, covered in blood.

The one up side to this onslaught seems to come in the GOP primary campaign. With President Obama having shown a decidedly pro-woman stance over the past few years, the candidates are calling for the commander in chief to take a stance firmly in opposition to vaginae. Mitt Romney has come out touting his abilities, as a Mormon, to handle the control and repression of many vaginae at one time. But no one has surged like republican primary candidate, and noted vaginal conservative, Rick Santorum. Santorum's history of reckless social conservatism has seemed all the more rational since the assault began. Santorum said in a statement released this morning “This is what we have been trying to avoid for months now. In state legislatures and national debates we, the GOP, have been trying since the start of the year to head off this crisis. For our troubles we were painted as misogynist, hypocritical, and oppressive. We have said all along that we were not anti-women, and that was and is true. It is not women who couldn't be trusted, it was big Vagina. We have worked long and hard in conservative politics to separate women and their vagina's without resorting to the draconian methods of those towelhe...terrorists from the sandier regions of the world. Our only wish now is that, if our nation survives this crisis, we can go forward with a stronger spirit of trust in each others motives and distrust in vaginae.”

Adding fire to the flames; Speaker of the House, John Boehner, gave an address on the House floor Wednesday that was aimed squarely at the soft on vagina stance of his Democratic colleagues.

“We can no longer allow the era of Big Vagina to continue unabated. If this reckless trend of ending and abating the oppression of women is not curbed immediately, our nation may no longer have the balls to maintain power in the world.” This narrative has since been embraced by Fox News and other conservative media. Rush Limbaugh, Glenn Beck, and all Fox programming lead with the story as early as Thursday morning.

Meanwhile, President Obama, facing major deficits in the polls as a result of this onslaught, has said little on the subject. Perhaps hoping to appeal to states rights focused, independent voters, the President has said only that these attacks fall outside the scope of federal authority.

In response to this a Voltron® like creature, formed from the mass of displaced vaginae, gave an interview to Nooze Nuggets earlier today. When asked about the cause of this sudden string of attacks, the amorphous monstrosity had this to say. “Are you serious? As female genitalia, pricks like Rick Santorum have been trying to fuck us for years. We have had enough. Even calling this an assault by Big Vagina is incredibly insensitive. We represent all aspects of the feminine reproductive exterior. Labia, clitoris, vulva, all are welcome to join the revolution. Our demands are simple. We want the full rights and privileges that afforded to our male counterparts, the penis. We want people to be able to yell our name in a childish game. We want to be a near ubiquitous metaphor for insecurity . You know most radio and TV stations around the U.S. can't even say our names. It's ludicrous.” When further asked if, they had considered just learning their place,by an overweight sound engineer; Vaginor (as this reporter has chosen to call her) attacked the man and left him with severe mommy issues.

Republican nomination comes down to Chili cook-off.

Austin Texas- Facing an increasingly contentious and ever more hostile primary season, the remaining nominees for the Republican nomination for the upcoming presidential race have agreed to the offer presented by Texas governor (and former candidate) Rick Perry earlier in the week. Perry suggested that Ron Paul, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Mitt Romney settle things the “Texas way” and engage in a “good ole fashioned, chili cook-off”

“In Texas we've been doing this type of thing for a while.” Perry said in an interview this week “when some people can't seem to stop the fussin' and the feudin', and it don't make no sense to go on a bombin' campaign against them, well sir; we just all get together somewhere and make up a mess o' chili and settle our differences with a good ole fashioned cook-off.

This cook-off (scheduled for March 18^th) will settle what has been an unprecedented GOP primary battle, both in terms of money spent and in terms of competitiveness. Even the decision to end the primary battle so amicably was far from an easy decision to reach. Last week the candidates took several days off of the campaign trail, in the midst of the heart of primary season, to develop the rules by which the cook-off would take place. Perhaps hardest to convince was the apparent front runner Mitt Romney. It has been said that he agreed to showdown only after the other candidates relented and allowed a computer program known as C.E.D.R.I.C. To be the third of three judges. C.E.D.R.I.C.(Chili evaluation determination rubric in Cook-offs) uses a mathematical formula to determine the quality of ones chili based on it's similarity to Jethro March's 1947 championship recipe (often called the “perfect chili). The other judges for the competition will be Roger Ailes due to the fact that he largely chooses the GOP candidate anyway and Scott Marlin, a professional Ronald Reagan impersonator.

The planned venue for the event is the Gubernatorial Mansion in Austin Texas. As the host of the event Rick Perry has agreed to be the referee and Grand Marshal for the cook-off. Perry cited his qualifications for the job as having come from a long standing history of ceremonially opening chili cook-off season and his impressive ability to eat chili without getting heart burn.

As the event approaches the candidates themselves have begun leaking information to the press about their specific recipes and strategies for winning over the judges. Rick Santorum had said that he believed the key to a good chili was to cook the beans in extra EXTRA virgin olive oil, to make sure that they remained pure. He told Nooze Nuggets “I don't want any ingredients that have been sullied. Only beans that have yet to be cross pollinated and meat from the youngest and tenderest of animals is going to go into my chili. On the day of the cook-off while I work the crowd, my wife will be in the kitchen, Like a good Christian woman, making my presidential Chili.”

Meanwhile dark horse candidate Ron Paul said that while he was fully engaged in the cook-off compromise he intended to allow the judges the freedom to make their own chili and judge it for themselves rather than providing some socialist chili for them. Paul said “I as a presidential candidatte don't have the constitutional right to make their chili for them. The judges need to learn the value of their own chili while I get out of the way.”

Perhaps the most aggressive strategy is coming from the Gingrich camp as Newt originally decided on a traditional Texas chili recipe, then after tasting a white chili switched to that one and then switched to a third recipe he had been eating alongside the white chili when the white chili appeared to grow cold.

Obama to Explain Why Bad Things Happen to Good People

Washington D.C.
President Obama, riding a slight bump in the polls following his populist State of the Union address, announced today that he is going to follow up his State of the Union Address with a series of speeches aimed at answering some persistent questions that the American people have been asking for some time.  First on the docket: the question of why bad things happen to good people.  In the following weeks we can expect to see speeches on where babies come from and whether or not the refrigerator light stays on when we shut the door.  
Today in the daily news briefing White House Press Secretary, Jay Carney said that
this was quote “One of the most pressing issues on the minds of Americans today.  The President knows that the vast majority of Americans are good people, yet an equally vast majority have seen bad things happen to them.  The President understands this and has been consulting with other world leaders as to whether or not bad things happen to good people in their countries as well.”  On Thursday the President will give a speech on his findings and conclusions from the kitchen of the White House, where just yesterday a very nice chef named Mel cut himself while slicing radishes.  
When asked if the president has any plans laid out to help reverse this process of bad things happening to good people, Carney politely dodged the question saying that he would not comment on the scope of the presidents speech, only that it would explain the problem in a way that would make the American public feel warm, safe and as though yes we in fact Can.  
The timing of the speech has been called into question by both Congressional Democrats and Republicans, as recent polling seems to indicate that while bad things happening to good people have been on the rise they are matched by a rise in bad things happening to bad people.  Which some Democrats say reflects a lack of compassion for those bad people affected and some Republicans claim indicates the problem will soon solve itself
Republican leaders wasted no time in responding to the announcement.  Speaker of the House John Boehner released a statement Tuesday morning in which he chastised the President for waiting so long to address this issue.  In his statement Boehner said “The President has been busy worrying about people in other countries who may or may not be good.  Meanwhile, Americans, who have been proven to be Good, have been ignored.”
Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell used even stronger language saying in a televised speech on his back porch while getting his paper Wednesday morning “What would President Obama know about bad things happening to good people.  He is in no position to know much of anything about good people.  Unless he's busy trying to enslave them as revenge for something that happened four hundred years ago.”
Fox News Analyst Sarah Palin responded despite not being asked for comment “I think it's awful and libelous that the President has said that I am the cause of all the bad things in this country.  If he were a moose and I was in a helicopter I think we'd see who the good people really was.”
When informed that the President never made the statements referred to and that she had just threatened a sitting US president Ms. Palin, in an unexpected move, declined comment.  

Supporters of Global Warming Fight for Dirty Coal Technology

Frankfort, Kentucky- Thousands of people descended on the capitol of Kentucky this weekend to defend dirty coal technology. The Society for the Preservation of the Sunset organized the march to help spread awareness of recently developed dirty coal technology, which according to the Societies website will increase the variety and boldness of colors in the sunset as it helps to release more chemicals into the atmosphere.

Founder of the Society Brant Rathmore spoke at the protest in support of the coal industry and the pending Keystone XL Pipeline. Giving his speech as the sun set over the ozarks.

“We are the romantics of the world. We are the aesthetes. We are the artists and the people who truly appreciate beauty. We are the people who don't need to breathe as long as we have beauty. These carbon factories spew forward their noxious chemicals for the benefit of us all. I say that if we can have more subtle shades of blue and green added to our dusk on a daily basis then breathing is a luxury I can do without.” Rathmore spoke for more that fifty minutes before succumbing to a coughing fit, saying that his asthma has been acting up lately.

The Society has been at the forefront of a recent rogue movement within the political left. Seeming to support the “let's ride this horse to the ground” methodology of social change these so called neo-libs have taken the stance that, to once again quote Rathmore, “we are pretty much fucked no matter what we do at this point, so let's keep playing till the ship goes under” referencing a popular urban legend about the Titanic. The Society for the Preservation for the Sunset has found political allies among other fatalistic organizations sprung from disillusionment with a Democratic party that, during this last legislative session, literally could not find their ass despite using both hands. The Society has formed a coalition with Americans for Despair, and The Just Let the Damn Thing Burn Initiative to explore options to increase public apathy and expedite the deterioration of our society.

Americans for Despair founder Joe Kroker spoke to Nooze Nuggets at the Sunset rally and said” Look sometimes you have to just rip the damn Band-aid off. If it's over a seven inch gash in your head, it's going to hurt and you're still going to bleed out, but at least you don't have that damn Band-Aid getting in your way.” When it was pointed out that his analogy didn't make any sense he pointed to the west and replied “SHHHHHH Preeeety”

While organizations such as Joe Kroker's and Brant Rathmore's are always gaining ground on the political left, they are coming under fire from the more traditional progressive stalwarts. ThinkProgress.org has slammed The Society for the Preservation of the Sunset for what it calls the Society's “utter abandonment of progressive ideals and beliefs” and “GOPesque embracing of all that is self serving and toxic to the civilization at large.” In response to these accusations Rathmore said that his organization “merely realizes the futility of giving a damn.” Expounding upon how his group is separate from many right wing groups with seemingly similar ideals, Rathmore said 'The difference between us and the GOP is that the Republicans think that may actually help society by increasing unemployment, personal debt levels, toxins in the environment and decreasing access to free education, the civil liberties of dissident factions and vital tax revenue. We know that it is the key to our destruction, we just figure we'll get there quicker if we all pitch in.”

For their part the GOP seems split among similar lines as usual. Mainline GOP Politicos think that the rising tide of disenfranchised leftists vying for a quick death of the human race are too extreme.

Meanwhile, the Teas Party movement has embraced them as brothers in arms. To quote House Majority Leader Eric Cantor “most of these people I've talked to have said that they don't want to see the rich get their money siphoned off in taxes either. They want the money with the rich in liquid forms so that if they choose to they can storm the houses of the rich, beat them within and inch of their lives, and take all possessions as their own. This is the Libertarian utopia we have been dreaming of.” Rathmore had no specific comment on this except to say “We haven't managed to bring down society yet, give us a LITTLE time. We are doing our best.”

Privileged White Men Plan Boycott Of MLK Day

Washington D.C.- Late Tuesday night the International Association of Privileged White
Men voted unanimously in their bi monthly union meeting to boycott the upcoming Martin Luther King Day holiday. Citing that the holiday honoring the greatest civil rights leader in American history is inherently racist in it's rejection of the privileged status of old white men in society. The group ,which is made up largely of business owners, has declared that the holiday will not be observed by any company belonging to a member on the association.

In a press release the organization has declared that until Martin Luther King day observances are expanded to include the privileged and special status of overweight Caucasian males they will boycott any observance or celebration of the holiday. They press release went on to say that as part of their boycott they will be closing their doors on Martin Luther King day and will not open until the day after. Though some were concerned about the negative effect this might have on the employees of the mega corporations that make up the IAPWM a representative of the group reported that to help garner employee support all those given the day off will receive full pay for their sacrifice.

Traditionally African American organizations such as the Rainbow Push Foundation and the NAACP have expressed mixed feelings about this nationwide protest. The Rev. Al Sharpton made a seemingly representative statement to the L.A. Journal the morning after the IAWPM vote. “ I must admit to feeling somewhat conflicted. I mean, we have been trying to get companies to recognize the work of Brother Martin for nearly fifty years now, however this is not quite what we were aiming. Still I suppose in the end a boycott does carry on the legacy of our dearly departed friend and mentor.” Rev. Sharpton's views were echoed by fellow civil rights leader and former friend of Martin Luther King, Jesse Jackson. Reverend Jackson made clear that the functional aspect of giving employees MLK day off overrides any confusion in the reasoning behind the gesture.

The IAWPM responded to the statements from Rev. Sharpton and Rev. Jackson by sending out the following press release “What?! No. Dammit that's not what we were going for. We are fighting for the rights of privileged white men not to celebrate some dead N...never mind my secretary, with whom I am having an extra-marital affair, just told me that that would be offensive. I remember when you could say anything you want without some uppity...umm African Americans getting their loincloths all up in a bunch. Those were the days, anyway, where was I. Oh yeah. I think Mr, Sharpton and Mr, Jackson have missed the point. Heh, imagine me calling them mister.(dictated not read)”

The IAWPM in an effort to further demonstrate the oppression they feel as rich white men has recently released a large budget documentary titled Only the 20 year referring to the recent Christmas holiday, when the group could only afford to give out cases of 20 year old scotch to it's members as opposed to the standard 30 year. The documentary (described in a press release as a heartbreaking tale of America gone wrong) shows how even while the membership of the Privileged White Men's union were forced take their annual golf outing at Hilton Head instead of St. Andrews, their children were being given the day off to celebrate a rabble rouser who had been dead for over four decades.

Perhaps the organizations ombudsman, Wilson Herreshire III, put it best, “ Look we support Martin Luther, if not for him we'd all be Catholic, but we need to take a stand against this rampant support of the lower classes. We will not work on Martin Luther King Jr day until the there is a day dedicated the Rockafellers, the Michael Milkens or the Bernie Madoffs of the world. Now if you'll excuse me I have a polo game at 9.

Scientists admit to researching the obvious because it's easy.

Berkeley, California- In an open letter to the public at large to be published in this months issue of

Popular Science, a inter disciplinary group of scientists from the University of California-Berkeley have released a hidden side of science that is sure to rock the nations science community to it's core.

The letter releases new insights into the world of the research scientist as the Berkeley post grads all admit that science stopped attempting to come up with new information around 1963 and since then the chief focus of the scientific community has been to ensure the in flow of life sustaining grants by claiming successful results to studies that report on the obvious.

The head of the Life Sciences division at Berkeley, Dr. Liam Neasen explained the report in an interview with BSP. “It's not that scientists don't want to feel the joy of discovery...we really do. The problem is that researching new topics doesn't guarantee success. It's like in middle school science. If you are repeating an experiment that has a known result you can be assured of success and the approval of the teachers: only in this case the teachers are rich people and the “A's” are grants.

Neasen cited recent peer reviewed articles that discovered such stunning truths as

“Links found between fast food consumption and obesity”-published in the June 2008 issue of The National Dietary review.

“Teenagers found to have increased hormone levels”- published in the spring edition of Life Sciences Quarterly

and

“Menstruation rates found to be higher in women” -published in the Journal of Reproductive Health,

The head of the National Science foundation said in a response to the admission from the scientific community “ We at the NSF know nothing about these supposedly obvious studies. As a Scientist it is anathema to our purpose to take anything for granted. I am still unsure about many “obvious” scientific truths. Evolution, Gravity and Heliocentricity all leave me highly suspect and when I was appointed by President Bush, that was exactly the type of skepticism he asked me to bring to bear on the nations scientific community.”

Defending the group out of Berkeley, Monsanto (a major contributor to food science research) likened the backing of a scientific study to the backing of a political candidate “You don't put money towards the campaign of a political candidate if you don't KNOW that they are going to win. Why would you put money towards a study that might not turn out as you hoped. Scientific exploration can be messy and unpredictable, while studying things which have already been discovered and are easily visible as fact ensures a positive result.” Their statements were echoed by many other popular reseacrh organizations and think tanks.

A research assistant out of Occidental College said on condition of anonymity “Look discovery doesn't put food in my mouth or finish paying off this PhD I'm working on. Give me grant money and lots of it. Our world is complex enough already without us having to go out and “find out new stuff” every three days. Please, that kind of work is enough to give the impression that being a Doctoral level researcher is hard, and if I didn't work hard to get where I'm at, I'm not going to start now.”