Hipster Communities Reel After Leaked Internal Memos

Hipster communities around the nation were rocked last Friday when the controversial website Wiki Leaks released dozens of internal memos from the Hipster community. The documents, which reveal dozens of dark secrets behind the often closed door decision making which guides the hipster communities, were released on the website last Friday and immediately lit up the blog-o-sphere with heated debate over whether or not the documents could be trusted.

The documents were seemingly internal memos from some of the nations most powerful hipsters and released to local free trade coffee shop owners and co-op employees. The very existence of the documents reveals that the hipsters of America are more than a bunch of pompous young pseudo-intellectuals but rather they are a well organized network of young, pompous, pseudo-intellectuals.

Most shocking of all though is the information about the hipster community that is revealed by the memos. The following are just a few of the facts that have been confirmed by independent experts on hipsters.

• Hipsters who declare a love for “exploring their city” are actually expressing a desire to find the most upscale “dive bar” that still has overpriced PBR tall boys. Any attempts to actually venture into unknown portions of the city might result in entering an actual dive bar which creates the risk of meeting poor people.
• Animal Collective (who are actually co-treasurers of the hipster movement) is actually quite happy making money performing their music and having more the 17 “hardcore” fans.
• Liking something ironically is actually exactly the same as liking something for real.
• It doesn't actually matter if you were a fan of Death Cab for Cutie before they were famous or if you learned about them listening to the radio, they are still the exact same band.

Broad Shoulders sought comment from the Hipster community and received a prepared

statement from Hipster Public Relations officials, “We will find the ones responsible for the leak. We will unleash all of our powers against them. We will battle them with all the powers of our arsenal. They will fall to our irony, they will succumb to the might of our clever t-shirts. Then their heads will hang from our hoodies.”

On the street hipsters have demonstrated a somewhat more sedate reaction. At the local coffee shop Java Island local hipster Phil Abernathy had this to say “I think it's ironic that Wikileaks is releasing documents that were just randomly sent to them by reputable sources.” When it was pointed out to him that this was in fact not ironic but rather entirely predictable, as it is exactly what Wikileaks does; he continued by calling this reporter a “conformist” with my “definitions” for things like “common English words” (quotation marks were indicated by air quotes). Another local hipster Doug Somebody said he would “bet his full and unkempt beard” that Julian Assange wouldn't know a real hipster if they tilted their trucker hat at him.

Wiki Leaks for their part has maintained their standard response that they are not responsible for leaked information that is posted on their website. They are simply a news outlet working with information that is provided by anonymous sources.