Readers Corner Book Review: The Bible

Welcome dear readers to another edition of Nooze Nuggets Readers Corner. In this edition of Readers Corner I am going to discuss the latest book from the great English author, King James IV. His most recent literary offering is a compendium of works on the subject of life, law and comparative religion. This book titled The Bible, is a loosely compiled group of smaller works by diverse authors, brought together to form a loose story that seeks a scope more epic than either Tolkien's The Lord of the Rings or Murray's Game of Thrones. The question is for all of this books attempts at grandeur, does it work. Are we swept away.

The answer sadly is no. This book is a mish mash of conflicting accounts, broken continuity, horrible portrayals of violence and story telling so discordant that it become a chore to get through even the first of the 40 odd “books” that make up the over riding narrative structure. In the beginning (to quote the books first lines) the reader is treated a telling of the act of creation which, given its place as fantasy is largely entertaining in it's originality. Something of an allegorical representation of millions of years of evolution, shrunk down into just a single week (and what a week it was). This is all well and good, it is a pleasant beginning to the book and sets the tone fairly accurately. God, the books protagonist, is presented to us as a powerful mage. Almost immediately the continuity begins to break down as we are given another account of creation in the second chapter that directly conflicts with the first. As a compendium this might be excused if it occurred in another book of The Bible, but here we are in the next chapter being told what we read before was essentially false.

The rest of the first half of the book continues in a similar format. A fair amount of rather cohesive storytelling with interjections of long non-narrative lists of rules and regulations. Apparently the authors of this book felt that it was their responsibility to give the reader some sense of perspective as to the mores of the characters. This quite frankly reeks of week penmanship. Even the basist high school writer knows that any well thought out plot shows the characters more intimate traits, rather than telling them.

After the first half of the book the role of Protagonist switches from God to his son, Jesus. Much in the vain of Puzo's Godfather, or even of Robin Hood, Jesus finds himself coming upon his fathers kingdom and finding it corrupted. Jesus takes on the task of trying to return his fathers empire to it's former glory. As can be expected this does now sit well with the power elite and in a tragic ending worthy of the bard himself our hero finds himself at the mercy of the Roman Empire. Not being known for their humanitarianism, our man Jesus finds himself on top of a cross in the noon day sun (it should be noted that as in the beginning this story is told several times in different formats_.

This would've been a logical place to end The Bible, and were it the end I might have left the book satisfied despite the varying accounts. Sadly this is not the end. In fact the book is not even three quarters through. From here on it degrades into the worlds longest epilogue. Much like the last scene of Brecht's Galileo, the disciples of the protagonist move on to carry the torch where their leader left off. The difference is, in the Brecht classic, the play ends with the passing of the torch. This book moves on to a LETTER WRITING CAMPAIGN. The next several chapters are all letters written on behalf of the fallen lord. This continues until the final “book”. That is apparently when the contributor began taking mushrooms. What follows is a rambling panorama of insane images, ending with the return of God to Earth.

All told, King James really needed to learn when to quit. He seems to have exercised very little editorial control and just kept adding books. As an author he may have been quite adept but as an editor he needed to learn when to say no.

The Bible is found where ever books are sold and in hotels everywhere. It retails from $0.00 to approx. $1,000,000.

Glenn Beck Challenges Founders to a Debate

New York- On his radio show on Friday, famed pundit and former Fox News host Glenn Beck revealed a startling revelation. After reviewing the writings of the founders of our country Beck revealed that they were in fact NAZI socialists who hated America. Beck cited newly discovered documents which have been popularly labeled the Constitution, and the so called Declaration of Independence are laden with references that give a clear message of Socialism and fascist ideals who hated America.

“ The Constitution references the quote unquote people, time and time again. This is simply another way of referring to the proletariat, and who referenced the proletariat through out his entire manifesto? You guessed it, Karl Marx. In fact this “Constitution” as it is called is really nothing more than a Manifesto of the type of country our founding fathers would have loved to see us devolve into.”

Beck said Friday as he began what would turn into a three hour diatribe about the failings of the men who founded our country.

“You see, I make these connections, nobody else can. I see things that most people say aren't there. Now maybe their right, but that doesn't mean that I'm wrong.” Beck went on to relate how Jefferson and Sam Adams were obviously NAZI's. Beck pointed out how the men were members of a group known as the Sons of Liberty, whose symbol was the Liberty Tree. The Liberty tree was an oak. Oak trees grow in Germany. Hitler grew up around Oak trees. It was a white oak that instilled in him the ideas that lead to the idea of a master race. As Beck revealed on his show this creates an unbreakable link between the author of the Declaration of Independence, Leader of the Boston Tea Party and Murderer of over 12 million people. Beck went on to attack Nathan Hale for only being willing to give one of his lives to his country and asking what he possibly could have been doing with his others that was so important, and he made a very plausible argument that Paul Reveres One lamp/ Two lamp system was inspired by third chapter of Mein Kampf.

In the few days since Beck's announcement that the men who brought the great social experiment of representative democracy to the world were in fact Communists and National Socialists, the liberal factions have made it quite clear that they care little for Mr. Beck's interpretation of history.

Cammie Wyrdon of the Left leaning Daughter of the American Revolution, released the following statement to major press outlets yesterday and we just happened to get our hands on a copy.

“Mr. Becks criticism of our founding fathers would be laughable if it weren't so contemptuous. While it is important that we not view our historical heroes through rose colored glasses it is also important that we view them with a sense of historical context. In this case the context is that neither the Marxist movement that gave way to Communism nor the vile bigotry of Drexler and Hitler had been created in the time in which our founding fathers fought for our freedom from the crown.”

In response to the relentless criticism Beck has chosen not to recant on any of the statements he has made on the matter thus far. Instead shortly after the DAR press release Beck said that if the founding fathers “wish to defend their positions on how they have set our country up to fail then they may meet next Wednesday night at Liberty Hall, a name I'm sure that they would know nothing about, for a debate on the TRUE origins of our country.”

When informed that the Founding Fathers have been dead for well over a century Beck took it in stride noting that “this is exactly the type of lackadaisical attitude that may be at the very root of the problems in our country. If these men couldn't found America on the basis of the American dream then they are worth little more than the some total of all the paper their faces have been printed on.” Beck proceeded to put on a pair of vanity glasses then remove them to wipe tears from his eyes before continuing “I will be at Liberty Hall this Wednesday and if those brave men who defeated the largest empire the world has ever seen are too cowardly to show their faces then I will have to say we know just what kind of men they were...Commies and Nazis.”

A spokesperson for the Founding Fathers said in a press conference yesterday. “My clients are and have always been Patriots. Many of them died defending this country and others in their course acted as it's duly elected president. Every last one of them was a patriot, however as they all have prior engagements with their graves, they will be unable to attend.” As of the time of printing Mr. Beck had yet to respond to this blatant rebuff.